Belonging.

While reading one of the other posts I was captivated by the clash between religion and culture. This reminded me of the internal battle I had between my baptized religion and myself. I had been in Catholic school since Sunday School and always went along with the teachings and tried to live "according to His word”. As I matured, however, and became the woman I am today, these beliefs and rigid “boxes” began to contradict my strong inner feelings.

It was very easy for me to turn away from an institution that was forcing me into metaphorical boxes but then I began searching for a religion that maybe I could fit into. I read about numerous beliefs; I studied and I questioned. I don't know why it was so important for me to find religion, but it was.

I found plenty of "accepting" religions but nothing felt right. I continued to feel like I was being forced into boxes and molds. There wasn't anywhere or any belief system that I felt could give me the comfort I so desired through religion. After a while, I really started asking myself why I was doing this. Was it an internal worry of needing salvation or possibly even rebellion?

My internal quest then switched focuses and I began to wonder what it was that I was looking for through religion and why it was important to me. It dawned on me that I was simply looking for somewhere to belong. All those years in Catholic school and in a religious community had given me a false sense of security. When I began to lower my social blinders I saw my world and myself in a whole different light.

Suddenly I was an outcast.

In my coming out I lost many of my friends, was ridiculed around every corner, and pushed away anyone that tried to care. At a point in my life when I felt the lowest and most useless I found a way to rise above it all. In the midst of trying to find belonging I realized that I had begun to lose the person I was and the strong beliefs that took me on this quest.

I was trying to fit into a box.

I didn’t need religion and I didn’t need to find somewhere to belong. I already did belong in the hearts and minds of those that loved me. My hope is that all people will let their guard down in order to accept those accepting you, love everyone none the less, and strive for love. Not belonging.