Bongo Drums Are Not Just For Boys!

         A couple evenings ago my 7-year-old daughter was working on an optional assignment for her class: make a musical instrument.  After trying many different prototypes of many different “instruments”, she was so excited with her final product.  She had duck taped together two empty hot chocolate cans to make bongo drums (one had rice in the bottom which made an additionally cool sound).  She was having a great time playing her drums up until bedtime.  When I announced that it was time to get ready for bed she began frantically making another instrument.  I asked her what was going on, reminding her that she had already made an awesome instrument and that it was time to go to bed.  “The boys in my class will laugh at me if I bring drums,” she said, “I’m gonna make a harp.” 

With that simple statement I was instantly up in arms, so many flags went up inside me:  How could my daughter care what those stupid boys think anyway?  All these years of my subtle and direct teachings about how girls don’t have to do girl-y things!  What makes bongo drums not girl-y anyway?  She should stand up to these bullyboys and play her drums! 

After a moment of silent shock and outrage I used all my momma/facilitator skills to move us into a constructive and brief conversation about this bongo drum injustice and then we brushed our teeth and headed off to sleep.

            On a daily basis I come face-to-face with the clash of mainstream U.S. social constructs with that of my own values and culture as an Indigenous woman and mother.  Yet, while this conflict within has been raging for most of my life, I continue to be astounded and agitated by it. I know it is because I am the mother of three girls.  In my own life I have fiercely built within me a place of peace and strength amidst my sometimes-chaotic battle with dominate culture. However, whatever peace and wisdom I have found through my own experiences, I know my daughters have their own work ahead of them. 

            In class we have talked about the many ways women and girls are under “attack” in the United States, both directly and subtly.  From the violence of rape or domestic abuse to the disrespectful slanders of drunk men; from the patronizing halls of legislatures to the everyday “innocent” exchanges in the grocery store checkout lines, what this society expects of females surrounds us both straightforwardly and subtly.  I believe the subtle spaces are just as dangerous to our daughters as the direct, for it is in the subtle spaces that room grows to allow blatant injustices.

            In the book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher, PH.D., Dr. Pipher talks about the detrimental effects mainstream culture has had on young women.  In the book the author gives numerous examples of girls from many different backgrounds and their struggle with the daunting task of finding balance between contradictory messages of woman-hood.  More and more fall victim under the weight of it all and must then work to survive drug abuse, eating disorders, depression and violence inflicted upon ourselves and from others.  While this book was first published in 1994 it’s content remains painfully relevant in 2012.  The short article "How To Talk To Little Girls" by Lisa Bloom (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html?ref=fb&src=sp) gives a glimpse at some current day statistics.  While this reality might be difficult to deal both these writings offer positive ways to endeavor forward. 

            It sometimes terrifies me to imagine all that my daughters will have to endure in their lives because they are female.  I know I can not shelter them from the world instead I must prepare them to meet it.  I only hope that I can give them the tools to build their own peace amidst the chaos. As their mother I strive to help them construct their warrior gear - strength of identity and place, of self-worth and responsibility - so that they might meet their future adversaries with self sustained power and strength.  Whether they are our daughters, our sisters, our nieces or the little girls yet to be born, I believe it is our responsibility to find ways in which all can be supported to play their drums loudly and proudly!